Thursday, September 16, 2010

Rain Wash Away

Woke up this morning, wasted an hour putting on and tearing off clothes. Either I gained ten pounds or it's that lovely time of the month when I bloat to the size of a blimp. Feeling pissed off at my clothes for not all being made out of spandex, I finally threw on the most hideous outfit. I walked out the door feeling ashamed. Then to further my disappointment, realized after spending so much time finding clothes that were comfortable, I only allowed myself fifteen minutes to be at my evaluations in Akron, which is a good 30-40 minutes away.

I started speeding, only to be halted by a man in a massive beat up van. I could see his silhouette gazing out his window. I should've been jealous he had the time of day to do so, but instead I became aggravated and rode his ass. Typical. Somehow I made it to my evaluation only a few minutes late. It lasted a whole 15 minutes. We quickly reviewed grades and discussed where I'll go to for my next degree. I then realized that as much as I've pushed myself to get here and keep going, I'd like to just be content right now where I am. Yes, content, which is virtually impossible for a girl with my mindset.

I decided to avoid those serious thoughts and drove myself to Target. I was thrilled that no one in Canton gives a damn about John Derian, half as much as I or online shoppers do. I snatched up several journals, the feather serving tray, a binder (which will now home my etsy records), two tree pictures and a storage bin.  I wanted to have a piece featuring each printed pattern. Afterall that's what I love most about his work. I stepped up to the register to check out, heard my total and immediately felt sick to my stomach. I handed over money that was reserved for paying my credit card. I was happy to own the items, as well as disgusted with myself for once again, spending money I don't have. I'm just a shopping shame.

I realized last night after reading a blog that was much too blunt and realistic for my own good that I've been wandering in a pool of material things trying to hide myself from whatever it is I don't want to face. I decided, that I currently want to stop posting such pathetic enthusiastic posts and get real. Don't get me wrong, I love all those fun finds and pretty things, or I wouldn't post them. However, this blog is about me, for me. I realized I turned it into some big melting pot of what will please everyone. I just want to spend some time discovering whatever it is I've been avoiding by shopping endlessly, browsing inspiring people and things, to only put myself further in a day dreaming fantasy.

So it's raining. I didn't want it to, but I'm realizing it's set the mood for me. There's a lot of things in my life that are in the process of changing. I'm happy I've got this blog now to talk to and through. Yep,  that's it. I am going to use this little blog to be me, ugly, boring, or whatever it is, it will be. Followers or not. Sorry.

Onwards, I'm going to go be Suzie-Homemaker now and ice eight dozen cookies that's been asked of me. Don't get me wrong, nothing makes me happier than knowing people love my homemade treats and ask for it. It's just iced sugar cookies are by far the most time consuming. I know however they'll also be the most rewarding. I'm sure you'll get to see those fall-fever-edible-friends later, no worries. 

In addition, my brother is flying home tonight from LA. I'm very excited to see him, but his return only adds more to my to-do list. Including helping my mother clean and cooking a big ol' welcome home dinner all by myself. Yep, today will be a busy one! Au Revoir!


  1. Aw, I know what you mean. Sorry things haven't been going to well for you recently - I'm sure things will come together soon.

    Enjoy your time with your brother and the fam :), gimmee an iced cake, Suzie Homemaker! x

  2. I feel this post has let me learn more about you than a post about how happy/inspired/giddy you are about something. I really saw myself in a few of the things you were saying, especially when you said you went to Target to get away from things. I thought "holy crap, I'm not the only one. I wonder if she will do a little retail therapy" and boom, there you are talking about it.

    I would love some rain now night. It may be inconvenient, but I view it as a fresh start. Washing away little nastys and making space for some better energy in my life.

    I'll stick around, no matter how ugly/boring you threaten to be :) With that said, I awarded you the Sunshine Award on my blog :)