Sunday, September 5, 2010

Well shucks, I'm posting this.

While I'm cozy, with the heat turned on and feeling honest ... Tonight wasn't anything magical, but it did spark in me a need I didn't know. I've been keeping myself reserved as of late. Well, ever since Brent and I started dating. Love is fun and great. It's so easy to get caught up and forget everyone and everything else. But, tonight I decided with the rut I've been in, to get up and go meet up with some friends in Kent. 


To begin, it's been ages since I've even gone to Kent. So immediately driving there brought back many memories with old friends. Then, getting to go out with Dawn, Kate and Leah was so exciting. Let's face it, I never go out with any friends. It's my own fault my friendships are dwindling on a thread. It was great though. We walked to the hookah bar, talked, smoked and laughed. By the way, we got the flavor pumpkin with honey and it was SO perfect for fall. But going out with them was simple and all I needed. After we walked back to Dawn and Kate's apartment. We drank wine, then tea... and Dawn drank tequila.


My realization was, all of my reservations. I have little friends because I'm so awkward and so picky about people. It's difficult for me to find people I genuinely share the same interests with and attitude. I've let go of so many friendships from my past because I didn't want to be the wasted girl anymore that wasn't happy. I have wrecked a lot in my life, which I won't get into! I just am firm with my choices now. I don't want friends that only drink, do drugs, talk bullshit. Sorry. I want friends that know how to act young by having fun, but are wise. If that makes sense. My current reservation is that I don't want to move to Akron... because I'll move there alone. Yes, without Brent. The problem is, I feel as though my friends reside here in Kent and Canton. I want to move there because it's close to school, in a great area and is a place that screams potential. I don't want to be there without anyone to share it with. Mind you again, I know there's awesome people in Akron, but I feel like my maturity will conflict. These three girls I hung out with tonight were my epiphany of what I blocked out. Good people. 


I know you're questioning Brent and being alone. He is my best friend, but he isn't the same as my friends. Brent and I share a lot in common, but there's also a lot we don't. For instance, you'd never catch us together at a hookah bar talking about style, work gossip and tea. It's not his thing. He can't even stand shopping, which is one of my favorite hobbies! He  won't move to Akron and I can't stay here... I'm honestly going back and forth between what's best and worse and there is no right answer. Which kills me. It's my personality type. I weigh risks too much and don't like wasting time. Tell me to take a leap of faith, I know!


So anyways, going out tonight and having some girl time made me realize that a piece of me was missing. A sort of freedom. I know that I want more than this. I want more out of life than what I'm getting. Yet, I sit here, in a place I don't enjoy but am comfortable. I need my friends, I need fun and I need to feel myself again. 


This post has gone so far off topic and I apologize. Totally personal and I'm sorry. 


Basically. One: I'd move to Akron in a heart beat, had I known that I'd be okay and still able to pay off my debt AND pay for rent. Two: I'd move there if I knew that actual friends would show up, or I'd find friends that weren't too out of my spectrum, OR that it wouldn't completely ruin Brent and I's relationship. Three: I'd go if I knew that I wouldn't regret it.


I want to pick up all the pieces I love and put them in one place, 
but it will never happen. 
I want a map, to guide me. 
Tell me where I'm meant to be.

Only 4 pictures I took all night. 
I feel bad Leah looks funny talking in the last one. 

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