Saturday, October 2, 2010

my heart is yours

We first spoke when I was seventeen in highschool. Never expecting what future we'd have. We were young, full of hope, took chances and leaps of faith without judging bounds and consequences. I was not too late out of a serious relationship, that crushed any chance of having a high school experience worth remembering. [To that boy, I owe you apologies, I've tried to offer them. You should know, you owe them to me still, to this day.] Brent and I started speaking, yes online, back when it was such a shame, the internet was feared and any relationship on the internet was unspoken of. But, once again, we were young and careless. Our short talks became long talks and before I knew it, Brent at the age of eighteen moved 1,000 miles away from his home, family, everything he'd ever known, to be with me, a girl he'd barely known. He came without any confirmation of how things would work out, a job, or even a place to stay. I don't think at the time I could grasp the depth of his actions. I was in a state of shock and excitement perhaps. I'd hate to say we were foolish then, but to think about it now, we were.
I won't discuss every year since our relationship began, but I'm going to talk about how at almost 23, I view our life choice six years ago. I've always devoted myself whole-heartedly. I was fortunate to find a man that was also the same as I was. That's where it began. We were young and in love. We couldn't control changes that came after. Job losses, finding places to live, moving back out of state, maintaining long distance relationships, family members passing, career choices, bad choices. We could only control our choice to remain together.


It's strange because for the past five plus years we've been together, we've been complimented and pictured perfect. Everyone putting us together, not talking to you without talking about the other. My friends telling me they hope one day they'll be in a relationship like ours.


I just have to say, wait a second. I have never in my life loved someone so deeply and equally been so torn by someone. I firmly believe that no relationship is perfect and if you're fortunate enough to meet someone you rarely disagree with, hold on to it. Brent and I have shown our best, but we've been through the worst. I'd like to blame our young ages and moving too fast too soon. We never truly discovered ourselves on our own before coming together. We were married without a ring before we were twenty. We relied on eachother for everything and lost all independence. We both struggled focusing on eachother and not ourselves. It came to a point we realized we were done caring about how we were towards eachother, because we had so greatly lost ourselves.
That's where we are now. Brent feels like at 24 he should be somewhere he isn't, like his chances are over. He feels like he can't succeed at anything. Yes, like a loving half I've supported him unconditionally and encouraged him, but this is something he feels on his own. As with myself, I feel like I've lost out on years of being young with friends and growing up. [Not that I didn't do any of that, but I should have more.] I also lost myself, I never figured out what my own joys and goals were. Now I'm about to gradute, grab my briefcase and go. Not the life either of us wanted to live. Yet when we met, we didn't know what we wanted in our lives, we just knew that we wanted eachother.
Nothing has changed. We still are closer and more intimate than we've ever been with anyone. We are just trying to spend time not relying on eachother. We realized that it's time to discover ourselves to be better for eachother. That's the entire reason why I'm moving to Akron to live on my own and Brent's staying in Canton. I feel like this has already been a huge challenge. We're both trying to focus on ourselves, but keep going back to eachother. It feels impossible to be an adult on your own now, when we're still living like we're eighteen together. The point is, we want to be together and be the best we can for eachother. If we continue our relationship as it is, we'll been teenagers forever. [Yes, that is a bad thing.]


I know this is difficult to comprehend, unless you've been there. All I'm saying is, enjoy your youth, hope for things, but don't jump too soon. You'll find yourself wanting to go back and it's not easy.
Brent, my heart is yours. There's no one else I could love as much as I do you. I don't regret giving my life to you at seventeen. There's no road I wouldn't re-travel with you. I'm so grateful you came into my life when you did. I know my heart will remain with you during and after this journey is over. The day I met you, will always be the first day of my life.

7 comments:

  1. Oh. You don't even know how much I love this. I am so glad you shared it!

    And that last picture.... so adorable, even if it's only half your face... I love it.

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  2. Haha thanks girl! By the way your pillow's been shipped! I'll have to send ya the tracking number!

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  3. With each heartbreaking word, I felt my heart aching for you. You are so wise, and to be able to recognize the dependence you've got on one another is something I doubt most others could do. I think you're brave for venturing outside your comfort zone. If you two don't go for what you want now, you'll only resent eachother for it-- you are saving your relationship.

    Honeybee, you are such a kind and loving person, and I can only wish you the best in everything-- just know that all the things we go through are just leading up to the grand finale.

    Love Always,
    Amber Rose

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  4. This is a very powerful post. I'm sure you're both making the right decision and doing what is best for each of you. :)

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  5. I've definitely been there. that's for sure. I know exactly what you mean and how hard it can be. you're a tough cookie though, theres nothing that can stop you <3 <3 <3

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  6. I have been there before. It is hard. I think that you guys are brave for realizing the limitations and wanting what's best for each other.
    Love your hair!

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  7. I have just recently started to follow up after finding you on Kaelah's Blog. So grateful for that. I just caught your TODAY'S Post {October 15th} and was very confused on what was going on. I back tracked until today so I could cath up.

    You are a very strong young women and making a decision like this is extremely painful yet more than worth it at the end. I look up for you dearly having done what you have... I was the type that hoped from one relationship to the next in fear of being alone. However I too let myself grow and I am who I am today because of it.

    I wish you the absolute bestest on your journey and if I can help from British Columbia Canada... PLEASE just email! lahteadahxoxo@gmail.com

    XOXO
    Yours Truly

    www.lahteadah.blogspot.com

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