Recently I've lost motivation and let go. Last week I stopped doing the dishes, putting away my laundry, tried doing anything I enjoyed. I got stuck in the rut of work and coming home and doing nothing. Sometimes I work myself so hard, keep myself so busy and worry all too much. It's been pretty difficult lately without Brent around. When I first moved we saw each other almost every day, lately it's been once a week. It's strange because I didn't let the reality set in. All I focused on was how dearly I missed him. Then when my parents started asking about him and Christmas, the feelings sunk in. The future, our wedding, our commitments, our feelings, our hopes. It makes me cry every time. I haven't taken my engagement ring off, I won't. In my heart I made that commitment and I'm not giving up. Originally I moved out in hopes to give space, to work on things and start over. It's been so difficult to not go back to old habits though. I want nothing more than for this to work. We'll spend nights arguing, then the next day together in love, happy. The arguments have been expressing feelings and trying to get each other to understand. The thing is Brent's understood me all along.
Next week is my birthday. The past three years Brent and I have gone to Columbus one of my favorite cities. We spend the day browsing shops on Short North. Getting the most delicious ice cream I've ever had at Jeni's. When the sun sets we head over to Easton shopping center, knowing they already have their Christmas decorations up. It's so pretty and romantic. The truth is I'd love to go out with my friends, but I'm always the happiest going with him. He is truly my best friend. There's no one else I've ever been completely myself with.
As I've been having mini breakdowns for the past month I've been able to actually see and realize things I hadn't before. Areas I screwed up in our relationship, things I could've done differently. In our discussions, it's been clear we both learned some things. I got frustrated the other night because we've been acting like we're together, doing things couples do, then trying to act like we're separated. We got together Friday night and talked more. I cried in the car outside the restaurant. Words cannot ever express my love for him and he knows. We want to work on things, but it's extremely important to focus on school first. Stress has been high enough outside of our relationship lately.
I decided that I can't let myself get down about this. It isn't over, it's beginning again. I became motivated today to do what I love and be happy. In light of my birthday, I came up with a list of 23 things I'd like to do before I'm 24.
1. Spend more time with friends.
2. Sew a vintage inspired dress line.
3. Start carrying & using film cameras more.
4. Visit more museums.
5. Learn how to crochet & knit.
6. Get another tattoo.
7. Organize & print old photos.
8. Add more vintage to my home & closet.
9. Travel over to Chicago.
10. Go to California to visit my brother.
11. Purchase a pretty bicycle.
12. Pass my radiography registry in May! [& hopefully get a job?!]
13. Ride inside a hot air balloon!
14. Bake the epic rainbow layer cake.
15. Make a bookmobile.
16. Make another altered book.
17. Buy a record player & start collecting.
18. Make a mix tape for every month.
19. Read a book every month.
20. Go to the drive-in movies again.
21. Take Brent out on the greatest date ever.
22. Really treat my parents.
23. Go out of the way to help someone.
[thanks for the idea elsie!]
Despite the fact that a lot hasn't changed in the past year, a few things have changed that I'm proud of. I successfully made it through one of the toughest scholastic years ever. I moved out on my own and became independent. I got the kitty I've always wanted since I was little! I started my etsy shop of handmade and thrifted finds. I picked up my bible for the first time in ten years. I stopped smoking!!!! I visited Philadelphia for the first time. I'm sure there's a lot more that I don't realize. Anyways, it's been a good year and I'm looking forward to the next!