It has been one week since Brent and I broke up. The decision that we weren't ready to get married has been the most painful. I've committed to him for the past six years and made a promise to marry him and cherish him. We've both had our faults. I've been grieving, crying, wondering what I could have done, what I could do, what I lack that he needs.
I made mistakes. When he needed space I clung to him because I loved him and didn't want to be without him. I was shocked and wanted to fight our relationship unraveling. There was many times I took my stress out on him or grew impatient. But I never thought in one moment I'd go from feeling purposeful to lost and alone without my best friend.
I've been beating myself up telling myself I wasn't good enough. But I won't let myself do that any longer. Because I know I was good enough. Brent is free to leave me, his life is his choice.
I did I devote myself to him. Yes, while struggling in my radiography program I wanted to feel a connection and have fun in the moments I had the time to and he lost interest. I changed my degree from graphic design, something enjoyable, easy going, free and creative, to medical something serious, strict, and mind consuming changing my life drastically. It truly has been a struggle with my programs requirements to stay out late, be crazy and spontaneous, all the things I want to do. I felt like I was making a wise decision for my future, for our future. But here I am about to graduate in ten weeks! I can get a real job and afford to do things I've always wanted now. I don't have to be boggled down by time of school and work because I'll only have work. Who says you can't have brains, a good career and be young and free spirited?!
I wanted to do what he has been doing with his new friends. That is surely the very most upsetting for me. I begged multiple times to go out and do things with Brent like we used to. Not that I didn't enjoy cuddling up with a movie either! I just wanted to feel the sense of fun I was lacking with the rest of my adult decisions. The thing that's crazy is these 'new' friends are seriously friends with my friends. We all share the same interests. Now I feel like I'm being singled out because of him? I even chose not to go to a show last night because I knew he'd be there.
I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm not going to cry and wonder at night who he's with and if he's thinking of me. Yes, I acted pretty ridiculous at times, making him think that I'm not worth marrying. But I know that I am and if not for him, than for someone else. I am going to be beautiful and smart and fun no matter what. There's a guy out there that will respect me for my choices, be understanding and enjoy life with me. I loved him whole heartedly and will love again.
I proved to myself that I could be smart enough to compete to get into this program. I've proved that I can make sacrifices. Now I'm going to prove that I can be happy also. Brent could have given me a chance to show him that I am what he's enjoying now, but with the circumstances and our rut it's understandable that he decided not to. It really is.
If he decides to start a new life without me and stay in Ohio, so be it. I can't let it affect my path.
Dawn and I from last night.
I love the lighting here. Dawn was seriously cracking me up.