Sunday, February 20, 2011

Separation: Day Seven

I decided to delete today's entry and start over.

It has been one week since Brent and I broke up. The decision that we weren't ready to get married has been the most painful. I've committed to him for the past six years and made a promise to marry him and cherish him. We've both had our faults. I've been grieving, crying, wondering what I could have done, what I could do, what I lack that he needs.

I made mistakes. When he needed space I clung to him because I loved him and didn't want to be without him. I was shocked and wanted to fight our relationship unraveling. There was many times I took my stress out on him or grew impatient. But I never thought in one moment I'd go from feeling purposeful to lost and alone without my best friend.

I've been beating myself up telling myself I wasn't good enough. But I won't let myself do that any longer. Because I know I was good enough. Brent is free to leave me, his life is his choice.

I did I devote myself to him. Yes, while struggling in my radiography program I wanted to feel a connection and have fun in the moments I had the time to and he lost interest. I changed my degree from graphic design, something enjoyable, easy going, free and creative, to medical something serious, strict, and mind consuming changing my life drastically. It truly has been a struggle with my programs requirements to stay out late, be crazy and spontaneous, all the things I want to do. I felt like I was making a wise decision for my future, for our future. But here I am about to graduate in ten weeks! I can get a real job and afford to do things I've always wanted now. I don't have to be boggled down by time of school and work because I'll only have work. Who says you can't have brains, a good career and be young and free spirited?!

I wanted to do what he has been doing with his new friends. That is surely the very most upsetting for me. I begged multiple times to go out and do things with Brent like we used to. Not that I didn't enjoy cuddling up with a movie either! I just wanted to feel the sense of fun I was lacking with the rest of my adult decisions. The thing that's crazy is these 'new' friends are seriously friends with my friends. We all share the same interests. Now I feel like I'm being singled out because of him? I even chose not to go to a show last night because I knew he'd be there.

I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm not going to cry and wonder at night who he's with and if he's thinking of me. Yes, I acted pretty ridiculous at times, making him think that I'm not worth marrying. But I know that I am and if not for him, than for someone else. I am going to be beautiful and smart and fun no matter what. There's a guy out there that will respect me for my choices, be understanding and enjoy life with me. I loved him whole heartedly and will love again.

I proved to myself that I could be smart enough to compete to get into this program. I've proved that I can make sacrifices. Now I'm going to prove that I can be happy also. Brent could have given me a chance to show him that I am what he's enjoying now, but with the circumstances and our rut it's understandable that he decided not to. It really is.

If he decides to start a new life without me and stay in Ohio, so be it. I can't let it affect my path.

Dawn and I from last night.
I love the lighting here. Dawn was seriously cracking me up.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Separation: Day Four

Who knows how long I'm going to do these depressing blog entries, so my apologies up front. Fortunately my days have gotten a bit easier thanks to my friends. I know that Brent is out having fun, so I should at least try to also. I'd like to think I'm on his mind as much as he's still on mine, but I can't be sure. 

Last night was a lot of fun. I went out with my friends Dawn, Kate and a group of their friends for for a 21st birthday. (I feel so old.) We started at a club on jazz night, which I've never been to and it ended up being more fun than I thought! I've been meeting new guys, but the ones I have I'm just not interested in.. I feel like no one compares to Brent. I need to give them a chance though I know. I guess now I don't to believe anyone is worth investing in.
Dawn and I snuck outside to talk about everything. Turns out she's going through something similar right now so we have a lot in common. I think we'll be leaning on each other for a while.

Once we were tired of empty boring bars we decided to just roam the streets of Akron talking. It was great and I didn't even realize how fast time was flying. I got home a little before three am and luckily got a few hours of sleep before class today. 
Waiting outside for the group to finish up at the bar, freeeeeezing.
Today was a bit more difficult since I got out of class early with nothing to do all day. Yes, I have a bunch of hobbies, but I feel too depressed to do any of them. =/ I know things will get better, but I also feel like once I heal from this, Brent is going to start dating someone else and I'm going to have to go through the stages all over again. Sigh. one:day:at:a:time
This one is blurry, but I like it anyways. 
Again I really appreciate all of your support on my blog and twitter during this cheering me on! You're all so awesome.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Separation: Day Two

I want to say thank you to everyone that commented on the last entry. Every comment helped. I know that this is a stage that I'll get through. I just can't help my feelings. Today was better and worse at the same time. I still can't eat and can't stand being alone at the apartment. I will try to keep myself busy, but get distracted thinking about him. The good part of my day was all the support and encouragement from my friends. I'm going to be relying on them a lot now!

I think the hardest part is that I'm struggling so much right now and I don't feel like Brent is, which sounds horrible. It's moreso I feel like if he's not struggling, I didn't mean that much to him? I mean I know he thinks about me still and gets upset. I just know he's also going out still with friends and having fun. I especially can't stand that he's hanging out with this girl. He even told me when he was in trouble recently, he called her and not me. It made me feel terrible because I wanted to be the person he always relied on. I just feel like he's already moved on. He said he's not interested in a relationship, but I have that gut feeling that they already have those feelings for each other. 

I don't think I'll move on. I don't think I'll find that happiness again. I know this is all in the moment hopelessness. I just feel like everything has changed now. I don't want to be selfish. I do want him to be happy. I just hate that we couldn't be happy and stay together.

Ugh. Thanks for sticking with me through this. I don't want to be whiny and repetitive. This is just a monumental point in my life where I need to speak my feelings.

Today I confessed to my friend Alyssa, that I want to use this break up to improve my life and better myself, but inside I really just want to give up in every aspect. She suggested we take some classes together at the gym starting next week. I'm really excited and nervous. I don't do well in public with people watching me, especially if I'm about to make a fool of myself with no coordination. Haha. But I do really believe going to the gym will help me feel better and keep busy. 

I know I should stop dwelling in the past now, but I keep thinking about all the loss. =/
Here's us exactly one year ago from today.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Separation: Day One

This is old, before I chopped my hair off and took off my engagement ring. 
Frankly I've been such a mess lately I haven't taken pictures of anything.

Remember a few posts back where I talked about Brent and I going separate ways for a while? Well we did, I moved away and we saw each other less. However when we did see each other, not much had changed. We were still acting like a couple. Of course being comfortable together I didn't fight the idea. However, this weekend I realized we weren't on the same page. I have been hoping all these months that Brent and I were together. While Brent's been trying to move on. 

We've both been trying to go out more with friends and meet new people. I could feel things changing between us. Brent was growing more distant and the times we were together he showed less and less affection. In my heart I told myself everything was still fine because I wanted it to be, but it wasn't. 

Brent had been going out with friends and staying the night at one friends house in particular. I immediately panicked and started accusing him of things and being irrational. In the six years we were together he had never ignored me though when I was upset. That night he did, and for the next day and the next. I stayed at his apartment waiting for him to come home. Part of me knew what was going on and the other part of me didn't. I knew we had taken a break, but I didn't know he was really gone. 

I haven't ate any food in three days. I've been chain smoking, crying, vomiting and sending texts like crazy. I couldn't face him not speaking to me and leaving without saying goodbye. I couldn't face him being with someone else either. I didn't think that his choice to not talk to me was because he was struggling and needed space. I just assumed he had moved on and that he didn't care how hurt I was. 

I was foolish and in the moment, shredded these two scrap book I made him when we first started dating. I put so much time and love into them and knew he's always cherished them greatly. Part of me just felt like he had forgotten the girl that made them and given up everything we worked for. I really regret it now. Brent was so upset when he finally came home and saw. We talked for almost four hours about us, our past and future, our ups and downs. I cried and grasped him, sobbed in his shoulders, couldn't let go.  

I was sure Brent had left me and moved on to this new friend, but I wasn't ready to leave him or move on. The truth is I've tried going out with my friends and meeting new guys, but no one compares to him. Absolutely no one. I just wanted Brent to feel the same. Selfish right? It's complicated to want him to be happy, but not with another girl. =/ Brent reassured me, it took a while. 

He explained how much he loved me and would do anything for me. He really did want to get married. But he was right we have been having problems. Silly fights over nothing. He didn't want to do that for the rest of his life, nor do I. Half the time we didn't know what we were fighting over. Neither of us wanted to raise kids in that environment either. The hardest thing has been regretting it, apologizing, then doing it again the next day. Which is why we had to break up. 

I know he loves me and I have never loved anyone as much as him. I'm going to give him the space he needs. I've just never been so terrified of losing him, but I already did. The thought of my life without Brent is inconceivable. I haven't let go of him I don't know if I ever will be able to. It was so hard holding each other today and forcing to let go. I've never felt so sick in my life. 

Brent said if we're meant to be, we'll be. It's a glimmer of hope that I will have to hold onto. Because I really need some right now to get through this. I don't know if he'd ever give us another chance. He's being the strong one right now because God knows the break up makes me irrational. There's nothing more in this world I want right now, than to be in his arms, loving him, kissing him, smiling with him. I feel defeated. 

Nothing feels the same now. I couldn't watch tv today. I couldn't eat. I could barely even drink water without feeling sick. Music is too upsetting. I'm restless at night. I don't know how to function. I don't know how to live without him. I certainly don't know how to handle if he falls in love with someone else. 

I should have admitted and dealt with this sooner. I just didn't want to. It's 8 o'clock and I don't know how I've made it this far today and I know I have a long night ahead again of crying into my pillow.  I want to be happy for him. I want to better myself so he'll come back. I feel so foolish, but he's been the one for me since I was fifteen.  

Also, I cannot for the life of me get Brand New - Play Crack the Sky out of my head. 

This is the end. This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear,
Calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath,
I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea,

I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean,

I know that this is what you want, a funeral keeps both of us apart.
You know that you are not alone, I need you like water in my lungs.