Monday, February 14, 2011

Separation: Day One

This is old, before I chopped my hair off and took off my engagement ring. 
Frankly I've been such a mess lately I haven't taken pictures of anything.

Remember a few posts back where I talked about Brent and I going separate ways for a while? Well we did, I moved away and we saw each other less. However when we did see each other, not much had changed. We were still acting like a couple. Of course being comfortable together I didn't fight the idea. However, this weekend I realized we weren't on the same page. I have been hoping all these months that Brent and I were together. While Brent's been trying to move on. 


We've both been trying to go out more with friends and meet new people. I could feel things changing between us. Brent was growing more distant and the times we were together he showed less and less affection. In my heart I told myself everything was still fine because I wanted it to be, but it wasn't. 


Brent had been going out with friends and staying the night at one friends house in particular. I immediately panicked and started accusing him of things and being irrational. In the six years we were together he had never ignored me though when I was upset. That night he did, and for the next day and the next. I stayed at his apartment waiting for him to come home. Part of me knew what was going on and the other part of me didn't. I knew we had taken a break, but I didn't know he was really gone. 


I haven't ate any food in three days. I've been chain smoking, crying, vomiting and sending texts like crazy. I couldn't face him not speaking to me and leaving without saying goodbye. I couldn't face him being with someone else either. I didn't think that his choice to not talk to me was because he was struggling and needed space. I just assumed he had moved on and that he didn't care how hurt I was. 


I was foolish and in the moment, shredded these two scrap book I made him when we first started dating. I put so much time and love into them and knew he's always cherished them greatly. Part of me just felt like he had forgotten the girl that made them and given up everything we worked for. I really regret it now. Brent was so upset when he finally came home and saw. We talked for almost four hours about us, our past and future, our ups and downs. I cried and grasped him, sobbed in his shoulders, couldn't let go.  


I was sure Brent had left me and moved on to this new friend, but I wasn't ready to leave him or move on. The truth is I've tried going out with my friends and meeting new guys, but no one compares to him. Absolutely no one. I just wanted Brent to feel the same. Selfish right? It's complicated to want him to be happy, but not with another girl. =/ Brent reassured me, it took a while. 


He explained how much he loved me and would do anything for me. He really did want to get married. But he was right we have been having problems. Silly fights over nothing. He didn't want to do that for the rest of his life, nor do I. Half the time we didn't know what we were fighting over. Neither of us wanted to raise kids in that environment either. The hardest thing has been regretting it, apologizing, then doing it again the next day. Which is why we had to break up. 


I know he loves me and I have never loved anyone as much as him. I'm going to give him the space he needs. I've just never been so terrified of losing him, but I already did. The thought of my life without Brent is inconceivable. I haven't let go of him I don't know if I ever will be able to. It was so hard holding each other today and forcing to let go. I've never felt so sick in my life. 


Brent said if we're meant to be, we'll be. It's a glimmer of hope that I will have to hold onto. Because I really need some right now to get through this. I don't know if he'd ever give us another chance. He's being the strong one right now because God knows the break up makes me irrational. There's nothing more in this world I want right now, than to be in his arms, loving him, kissing him, smiling with him. I feel defeated. 


Nothing feels the same now. I couldn't watch tv today. I couldn't eat. I could barely even drink water without feeling sick. Music is too upsetting. I'm restless at night. I don't know how to function. I don't know how to live without him. I certainly don't know how to handle if he falls in love with someone else. 


I should have admitted and dealt with this sooner. I just didn't want to. It's 8 o'clock and I don't know how I've made it this far today and I know I have a long night ahead again of crying into my pillow.  I want to be happy for him. I want to better myself so he'll come back. I feel so foolish, but he's been the one for me since I was fifteen.  


Also, I cannot for the life of me get Brand New - Play Crack the Sky out of my head. 


This is the end. This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear,
Calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath,
I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea,

I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean,


I know that this is what you want, a funeral keeps both of us apart.
You know that you are not alone, I need you like water in my lungs.

7 comments:

  1. I've been through this too. It's the worst feeling ever, i know. :( But it really is true, if its meant to be you will see him again, i feel like you will, you just have to wait, and i know how hard it is. My boyfriend and I did the same thing, and i felt the same way as you. And it just worked itself out in the end, it was so much better after that. Its just the waiting that's the hardest because you don't know what will happen.

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  2. You are beautiful.. and you will be happy. Even on these dark days, don't lose sight of what awaits you. I promise you, it will get better.

    Email me any time.

    Love,
    Amber

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  3. This made me so sad, I have tears in my eyes. I really hope everything works out and you guys will be together again. I wish I was still in ohio cause we would definitely be hanging out right now. If you ever need to talk, let me know.

    p.s. You look gorgeous in the photo above.

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  4. This made me sad. I've been there.. I've seen many of these days. the best you can do is just look forward. "It's impossible to live in present if you are stuck in the past"

    that quote helped me a lot. I hope you feel better. HUGS!

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  5. Poor you, what a horrible situation you're stuck in love. I hope everything works out for the best. Always here for a chat.
    x

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  6. I'm really sorry to hear this. It sounds like such a terribly sad situation and you must feel as though things will never be okay again, but they will, in time. I'm not much of a believer in fate but I do believe that if things are meant to happen, then they will. Sometimes things just need a little time, and a little thought.
    I hope that you and Brent do manage to work things out, but if you don't (and I know you won't want to think like that now - but if), there will be something better coming, and you will look back on this and remember how terrible it was, but also realise that it happened for a reason.
    I had a very long relationship that broke up a few years back and I honestly thought that I would never be happy again - I felt like you did, couldn't eat, sleep, think or even entertain the idea that things might ever get better. But last year I met someone who was a million times better than that boyfriend and we have so much more of an equal, adult relationship. And now I can look back on it and realise that we were only meant to be together for that period of time and not for any longer.
    But I do hope that you and Brent work things out.
    That Brand New song is my favourite.
    xxx

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  7. im sending you good thoughts. because, in the dark, its hard to see the tiniest bit of light.

    play crack the sky, breaks my heart x

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