Sunday, February 20, 2011

Separation: Day Seven

I decided to delete today's entry and start over.

It has been one week since Brent and I broke up. The decision that we weren't ready to get married has been the most painful. I've committed to him for the past six years and made a promise to marry him and cherish him. We've both had our faults. I've been grieving, crying, wondering what I could have done, what I could do, what I lack that he needs.

I made mistakes. When he needed space I clung to him because I loved him and didn't want to be without him. I was shocked and wanted to fight our relationship unraveling. There was many times I took my stress out on him or grew impatient. But I never thought in one moment I'd go from feeling purposeful to lost and alone without my best friend.

I've been beating myself up telling myself I wasn't good enough. But I won't let myself do that any longer. Because I know I was good enough. Brent is free to leave me, his life is his choice.

I did I devote myself to him. Yes, while struggling in my radiography program I wanted to feel a connection and have fun in the moments I had the time to and he lost interest. I changed my degree from graphic design, something enjoyable, easy going, free and creative, to medical something serious, strict, and mind consuming changing my life drastically. It truly has been a struggle with my programs requirements to stay out late, be crazy and spontaneous, all the things I want to do. I felt like I was making a wise decision for my future, for our future. But here I am about to graduate in ten weeks! I can get a real job and afford to do things I've always wanted now. I don't have to be boggled down by time of school and work because I'll only have work. Who says you can't have brains, a good career and be young and free spirited?!

I wanted to do what he has been doing with his new friends. That is surely the very most upsetting for me. I begged multiple times to go out and do things with Brent like we used to. Not that I didn't enjoy cuddling up with a movie either! I just wanted to feel the sense of fun I was lacking with the rest of my adult decisions. The thing that's crazy is these 'new' friends are seriously friends with my friends. We all share the same interests. Now I feel like I'm being singled out because of him? I even chose not to go to a show last night because I knew he'd be there.

I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm not going to cry and wonder at night who he's with and if he's thinking of me. Yes, I acted pretty ridiculous at times, making him think that I'm not worth marrying. But I know that I am and if not for him, than for someone else. I am going to be beautiful and smart and fun no matter what. There's a guy out there that will respect me for my choices, be understanding and enjoy life with me. I loved him whole heartedly and will love again.

I proved to myself that I could be smart enough to compete to get into this program. I've proved that I can make sacrifices. Now I'm going to prove that I can be happy also. Brent could have given me a chance to show him that I am what he's enjoying now, but with the circumstances and our rut it's understandable that he decided not to. It really is.

If he decides to start a new life without me and stay in Ohio, so be it. I can't let it affect my path.

Dawn and I from last night.
I love the lighting here. Dawn was seriously cracking me up.

3 comments:

  1. sounds alot more postitive! Im happy to see that you are a little less sad!!! good for you! Its his loss not yours!

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  2. Glad you've turned this corner! You should be so excited to be starting a new adventure of your own! Can't wait to see what's in store for you :)

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  3. I know how you're feeling right now. Almost exactly 5 years ago I was in a similar situation. I had been with my then-boyfriend for 8.5 years, and thought we would always be together, get married some day. Then, out of the blue, he decided he wanted to leave and be on his own. Have a life without me. I was devastated. I felt like my life was OVER. I moved from Brooklyn, back to my home town and decided to go back to school and rebuild my life in a familiar, less expensive town. A year later, I met M and we've been together for 4 years now. He's even more perfect for me than I always thought my ex was. Sometimes life throws you these hard times to guide you to your even happier future. It gets better, trust me! xoxo

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