Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Separation: Day Two

I want to say thank you to everyone that commented on the last entry. Every comment helped. I know that this is a stage that I'll get through. I just can't help my feelings. Today was better and worse at the same time. I still can't eat and can't stand being alone at the apartment. I will try to keep myself busy, but get distracted thinking about him. The good part of my day was all the support and encouragement from my friends. I'm going to be relying on them a lot now!

I think the hardest part is that I'm struggling so much right now and I don't feel like Brent is, which sounds horrible. It's moreso I feel like if he's not struggling, I didn't mean that much to him? I mean I know he thinks about me still and gets upset. I just know he's also going out still with friends and having fun. I especially can't stand that he's hanging out with this girl. He even told me when he was in trouble recently, he called her and not me. It made me feel terrible because I wanted to be the person he always relied on. I just feel like he's already moved on. He said he's not interested in a relationship, but I have that gut feeling that they already have those feelings for each other. 

I don't think I'll move on. I don't think I'll find that happiness again. I know this is all in the moment hopelessness. I just feel like everything has changed now. I don't want to be selfish. I do want him to be happy. I just hate that we couldn't be happy and stay together.

Ugh. Thanks for sticking with me through this. I don't want to be whiny and repetitive. This is just a monumental point in my life where I need to speak my feelings.

Today I confessed to my friend Alyssa, that I want to use this break up to improve my life and better myself, but inside I really just want to give up in every aspect. She suggested we take some classes together at the gym starting next week. I'm really excited and nervous. I don't do well in public with people watching me, especially if I'm about to make a fool of myself with no coordination. Haha. But I do really believe going to the gym will help me feel better and keep busy. 

I know I should stop dwelling in the past now, but I keep thinking about all the loss. =/
Here's us exactly one year ago from today.


  1. i was in your exact shoes about a year and a half ago and i can relate to you on just how traumatic it can be. don't try to replace him and don't try to not feel anything or not think of him. feel absolutely every emotion that comes to you. cry when you need to, yell and throw things (soft things!) if you have to, and laugh at every moment you have the ability. you're going to look back on all of this and see it as a stepping stone to being an even stronger woman than you already are.. no matter the outcome. we're all rooting for you, i promise. <3

  2. I have learned in the past that "I don't want a relationship" is usually a lie.

  3. I'm so sorry. I don't know how you feel but my best friend is going thru somewhat of the same situation. Her husband asked her for a divorce on valentines day. I know how horrible these situations can be and that I can't say anything to make you feel better..it just takes time to heal. You're in my thoughts <3

  4. You're being so strong and courageous. I know you probably dont think you are, but with all that you've already done and realized, thats a courageous thing to me. i could never be so brave.