I think the hardest part is that I'm struggling so much right now and I don't feel like Brent is, which sounds horrible. It's moreso I feel like if he's not struggling, I didn't mean that much to him? I mean I know he thinks about me still and gets upset. I just know he's also going out still with friends and having fun. I especially can't stand that he's hanging out with this girl. He even told me when he was in trouble recently, he called her and not me. It made me feel terrible because I wanted to be the person he always relied on. I just feel like he's already moved on. He said he's not interested in a relationship, but I have that gut feeling that they already have those feelings for each other.
I don't think I'll move on. I don't think I'll find that happiness again. I know this is all in the moment hopelessness. I just feel like everything has changed now. I don't want to be selfish. I do want him to be happy. I just hate that we couldn't be happy and stay together.
Ugh. Thanks for sticking with me through this. I don't want to be whiny and repetitive. This is just a monumental point in my life where I need to speak my feelings.
Today I confessed to my friend Alyssa, that I want to use this break up to improve my life and better myself, but inside I really just want to give up in every aspect. She suggested we take some classes together at the gym starting next week. I'm really excited and nervous. I don't do well in public with people watching me, especially if I'm about to make a fool of myself with no coordination. Haha. But I do really believe going to the gym will help me feel better and keep busy.
I know I should stop dwelling in the past now, but I keep thinking about all the loss. =/
Here's us exactly one year ago from today.